More Jack

I could go on and on about Jack. He truly was incredible. His tongue was always out, and I loved it! When the lady from EI came to evaluate him I was so excited that he would copy me when I stuck my tongue out of course this was the first thing as a proud mommy that I had to show her! Her reply totally let the air out if my balloon. She said,"oh, we'll work on that tongue protrusion." She was sweet about it and of course she was right. I really secretly didn't want his sweet tongue to stay in his mouth. It was adorable! Plus it helped with the slobbery kisses. I pushed for EI with our pedi and I pushed for his ssi. I was always trying to make sure we did everything by the book and give him the best possible chance of growing on track! Again I had big plans for him and our family. I would daydream about me going to school with him and about his big brothers being his role models. Also, I would dream about his big sister growing up to be an advocate for children with DS and other special needs. I would dream about him when my new friends baby girl(also with DS), growing up together, getting jobs together, helping each other, and yes getting married. I made some of the best friends I could've ever hoped for through Jack. These women also had big plans for Jack! Isn't it funny how we plan things and take for granted that they will happen as far as we're concerned. How can we be so egotistical? God put me here, he put children in my care. Instead of surrendering our children to him and knowing His will will be done, we put all our faith in our plans. I'm not saying that we don't try to do this. I've prayed a thousand times your will be done and not mine. I've told Him that I know my babies are His to give and His to take away. Well a two month hospital stay makes you think and pray a lot. You get to find out how strong your faith really is. I would surrender Jack to him over and over again, but I truly found out how hard this is to do. Even as I would pray this and for His will to be done, secretly I was praying to change the heart of God to bend to my plans and wants! I'll post next time about Jacks medical issues and about our stay in the hospital. Right now though, I just want to say that in my short experience of loss so far I've had to really concentrate on Gods will. No, it was not mine but here I am. The world is still spinning even though I thinyk it should stand still. I feel like the whole planet should be shaking with grief. I know I'm not the only person suffering, but right now it sure does feel like it. It feels like I'm an outsider watching lives go on. I keep moving and taking care of my children. I'm still here waiting for the clouds to part. I have faith in God to carry me and my family through this. I know and have faith because He promised! I know I'm rambling and not going in the right order but this is just the way its coming out.