Today is not a good day. They say you'll have good days and bad days. I'm not sure if that's true so far. I have bearable days and bad days. That might seem like a downer but that's what I have right now. I've been thinking about our stay at the hospital. The first 3 weeks in Lake Charles seem like a lifetime ago. Their was so much hope then. Even when it was really bad it never seemed like death was a possible outcome. The next 3 and a half weeks in Little Rock seem like just yesterday and I'd give anything to go back there. They were mostly days of anxiety. Days of ups and downs. Days of staring at machines and praying for sats to go up or medications to work. Those days and my stay there seem so much more normal than life at home does. I want to go back in time where my baby was alive. Where my world revolved around Jack. It seems like just yesterday sometimes and other time it seems like forever. I can't get those last moments out of my head today. I keep thinking about what if I just would've refused to take him off the machines. Even though I knew what was right and best at the time, it doesn't seem so clear now. Now I would do anything to have him here. Even if it was in the hospital. I miss him so much that nothing seems clear anymore. What ifs are running around in my head like crazy. Those last moments of his life are tattooed on my brain. How did we make it through that? How did I sit there and feel his heartbeat stop without losing my mind? How did I not scream out for them to resuscitate him? How did we decide it was time? How did we not lose our minds the day before knowing our baby would die the next morning? I really don't know how I ever let him go. I know the day before he died I kept wondering how many people actually knew the day their child would die. I know this post is depressing, but its what's on my mind today. I've been avoiding thinking about this since he died. I've pushed it to the back of my mind every time its even tried to peak its head out. I guess I can't avoid it anymore because it won't go away today. I still can't believe it. I still can't comprehend how I made it through. Other than God giving me supernatural strength, there's no other explanation.
Sweet Ashley, I know the little "Asher Smasher" isn't feeling so smashing now, but know that we all pray so desperately for God to use us to fill in the blanks. I've often wondered about the same days and know that God has been with you all along. It might sound silly, but I'm so proud of you and the mighty mother you have become. The love we share is so precious to me, our times together I treasure, and your love for Baby Jack is priceless and a beautiful thing to share. You are making a difference, though it may not seem so to you. My prayer today is you find your way into the Father's arms, where only He can give you the love you need. Remember, you are the apple of His eye.
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