Held

I guess you could say I did a little exposure therapy on World Down Syndrome Day, March 21st. I went to an appointment with my friend for her little girl,who I'm absolutely in love with and grateful for, at the downs syndrome clinic located at the Texas Children's Hospital. I really thought it'd be easy. I thought I'd love seeing all the babies and children with DS. I firgued I might get arrested for stealing a baby, but nothing too bad. I was wrong. I almost hyperventilated sitting in the little exam room. The only one with DS there was my friends baby. They didn't know it was world ds day! I guess the thing that got me was imagining what Jack would be doing and the hospital itself. The sick children and worried parents were all too familiar. I'm glad I went. It helped make me deal with a few things, but it was definitely harder than I expected. The hospital was one that denied Jack and I couldn't help but think about our days in the hospital. I try hard not to think about those days too often. The smells and faces were a lot to take in. I can't believe I'm one of those parents I saw there. They have hope and fear all over their faces. Hope that things will improve and fear of the possibilities. Tonight, as if on cue, I got in my car to go to get ice cream after a long day and the first song on the radio was,"Held," by Natalie Grant. It's one of the songs we played at Jack's funeral. That's also a time I try not to think about too often. I cried like my heart was broken all over again. I couldn't turn it off. It made me start thinking. This song is perfect. I remembered why I chose the song and why I still pray. "Two months is too little, they let him go, they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair. This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held. This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow. This is what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is how it feels to be loved and to know that the promise that was that when everything fell we'd be held. If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning, Can we not wait for one hour waiting for our Savior? This is what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell you'd be held." I heard this song all the time before Jack was even born. I finally started turning it off when it came on. It made me cry and I really didn't understand it. I understood what it was about but I couldn't understand why God would allow such a thing. I was also scared that I wouldn't keep my faith if that happened to me. I prayed that'd I'd do the right thing and turn to Him, but it scared me. I didn't know if I'd be able to praise Him in this storm so to speak. Now I know. I knew when I picked this song. He's all we have and whether we know how we're going to react to tragedy or not He does. Maybe this song was a way to prepare me, who knows. I'm just grateful for knowing Him. I'm grateful for the promise, whether its a good day or bad day.