Those People

I know its been a while since I've posted anything, but the two month mark was hard for me. I didn't see that coming. I guess the more time that passes, Jacks death becomes more real. Things are slowly taking on a new normalcy though. Our new normal has sunk in. I visited Jacks grave for the first time week before last. To say that it was hard is an understatement. I couldn't believe a little tiny grave is now a very real part of my life. I just never thought I'd ever have to visit one of my babies in a cemetery. Not that he's actually there, but it made him seem closer and it made his death real. The surreal has passed and reality has arrived in the form of an actual grave site. I don't really know how else to describe it. I had myself a very "real," breakdown as well. My freshly tender wounds that were beginning to heal were torn wide open. My heart seemed to break all over again. I cried tears that I didn't know I still had. I really believed I couldn't produce anymore. Here I was again as, "one of those people." People who we never think we are. The people that the unbelievable strikes at. The people who are hit with bad news. People who are steeped in tragedy. I never expected to be, "those people." I guess, "those people," never expect it either. I always thought we'd always be the ones that said, "that could never happen to us." We don't become those people until it does happen to us. Standing over that tiny grave all I could think was that I never expected to be here. I never thought something like this could happen to us. The reality of the whole situation came tumbling down on me right then and there. We take for granted the blessings that are bestowed to us. We can't imagine tragedy touching our lives. Why not us? Somebody has to be, "those people." Looking at things from this perspective makes me realize how arrogant we are as human beings. God is the only one in control. We try to plan and control our lives to such a degree that we forget whose plan counts. Then when tragedy strikes we blame and question God as if He doesn't know what He's doing! How foolish is this when you really think about it? We can't just be happy with God when He allows our plans to work out. I'm not happy that my son is gone, but I am grateful to have learned this very hard lesson. We can all be, "those people," if we let ourselves depend on our plans and not just trust His.