Held

I guess you could say I did a little exposure therapy on World Down Syndrome Day, March 21st. I went to an appointment with my friend for her little girl,who I'm absolutely in love with and grateful for, at the downs syndrome clinic located at the Texas Children's Hospital. I really thought it'd be easy. I thought I'd love seeing all the babies and children with DS. I firgued I might get arrested for stealing a baby, but nothing too bad. I was wrong. I almost hyperventilated sitting in the little exam room. The only one with DS there was my friends baby. They didn't know it was world ds day! I guess the thing that got me was imagining what Jack would be doing and the hospital itself. The sick children and worried parents were all too familiar. I'm glad I went. It helped make me deal with a few things, but it was definitely harder than I expected. The hospital was one that denied Jack and I couldn't help but think about our days in the hospital. I try hard not to think about those days too often. The smells and faces were a lot to take in. I can't believe I'm one of those parents I saw there. They have hope and fear all over their faces. Hope that things will improve and fear of the possibilities. Tonight, as if on cue, I got in my car to go to get ice cream after a long day and the first song on the radio was,"Held," by Natalie Grant. It's one of the songs we played at Jack's funeral. That's also a time I try not to think about too often. I cried like my heart was broken all over again. I couldn't turn it off. It made me start thinking. This song is perfect. I remembered why I chose the song and why I still pray. "Two months is too little, they let him go, they had no sudden healing. To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling. Who told us we'd be rescued, what has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares? We're asking why this happens to us who have died to live, its unfair. This is what it means to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell we'd be held. This hand is bitterness, we want to taste it and let the hatred numb our sorrows. The wise hand opens slowly to lillies of the valley and tomorrow. This is what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive. This is how it feels to be loved and to know that the promise that was that when everything fell we'd be held. If hope is born of suffering, if this is only the beginning, Can we not wait for one hour waiting for our Savior? This is what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life and you survive.This is what it is to be loved and to know that the promise was that when everything fell you'd be held." I heard this song all the time before Jack was even born. I finally started turning it off when it came on. It made me cry and I really didn't understand it. I understood what it was about but I couldn't understand why God would allow such a thing. I was also scared that I wouldn't keep my faith if that happened to me. I prayed that'd I'd do the right thing and turn to Him, but it scared me. I didn't know if I'd be able to praise Him in this storm so to speak. Now I know. I knew when I picked this song. He's all we have and whether we know how we're going to react to tragedy or not He does. Maybe this song was a way to prepare me, who knows. I'm just grateful for knowing Him. I'm grateful for the promise, whether its a good day or bad day.

Life in the midst of grief

In the midst of grief life goes on. I didn't know how this was possible. When Jack first passed it seemed crazy to me that the world was still spinning. It was crazy to think about the rest of the world going on as usual. I suppose I thought things should stand still, at least for a little while. Now I see. Now I see that you can't stop life even after you feel as though the pain should literally kill you. Life doesn't work that way. The nature of life itself can't stop until the Master commands it. Now I understand. I've understood for a while now, but its taken time. I was watching the kids play in the yard the other day and it was so beautiful! The day was beautiful, the children were intoxicating with their laughter and play. I sat there thinking about how sad and happy I was feeling all at the same time. I realized I could do both. Sadness doesn't mean your life has to stop. It can't and won't! All the while there's too much life and blessings to enjoy. Tomorrow we'll be having a birthday party for my baby Clayton, my sweet girl Emma, and her half brother David. These sweet lives deserve all that I have to offer. I've realized that I won't ever quit missing Jack. While the sadness isn't as suffocating, its still there, but it doesn't have to stop me from enjoying the lives I have left to celebrate and cherish. God is so good.I can't imagine my life without Him. I know I wouldn't be seeing the clouds part at all without Him. Happy birthday Emma, Clayton, and David, I love you babies!

Those People

I know its been a while since I've posted anything, but the two month mark was hard for me. I didn't see that coming. I guess the more time that passes, Jacks death becomes more real. Things are slowly taking on a new normalcy though. Our new normal has sunk in. I visited Jacks grave for the first time week before last. To say that it was hard is an understatement. I couldn't believe a little tiny grave is now a very real part of my life. I just never thought I'd ever have to visit one of my babies in a cemetery. Not that he's actually there, but it made him seem closer and it made his death real. The surreal has passed and reality has arrived in the form of an actual grave site. I don't really know how else to describe it. I had myself a very "real," breakdown as well. My freshly tender wounds that were beginning to heal were torn wide open. My heart seemed to break all over again. I cried tears that I didn't know I still had. I really believed I couldn't produce anymore. Here I was again as, "one of those people." People who we never think we are. The people that the unbelievable strikes at. The people who are hit with bad news. People who are steeped in tragedy. I never expected to be, "those people." I guess, "those people," never expect it either. I always thought we'd always be the ones that said, "that could never happen to us." We don't become those people until it does happen to us. Standing over that tiny grave all I could think was that I never expected to be here. I never thought something like this could happen to us. The reality of the whole situation came tumbling down on me right then and there. We take for granted the blessings that are bestowed to us. We can't imagine tragedy touching our lives. Why not us? Somebody has to be, "those people." Looking at things from this perspective makes me realize how arrogant we are as human beings. God is the only one in control. We try to plan and control our lives to such a degree that we forget whose plan counts. Then when tragedy strikes we blame and question God as if He doesn't know what He's doing! How foolish is this when you really think about it? We can't just be happy with God when He allows our plans to work out. I'm not happy that my son is gone, but I am grateful to have learned this very hard lesson. We can all be, "those people," if we let ourselves depend on our plans and not just trust His.

The Day God Took You Home

Jack had a really wonderful program for his funeral. It had so many wonderful poems. I'd like to post this one tonight because its really fitting for the way I'm feeling. "In tears we saw you sinking, and watched you pass away. Our hearts were almost broken, we wanted you to stay. But when we saw you sleeping, so peaceful, free from pain, how could we wish you back with us, to suffer that again. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone, for part of us went with you, the day God took you home." There's a huge part of me missing. I'm just glad to know its with Jack. I'm so blessed to have had such a special little life entrusted to me. I'm so grateful God chose me and Kenneth to be his parents. Even if I knew the outcome beforehand, I still would've chosen him. I'm so grateful for my children that our still with us. God has blessed us beyond anything we could ever deserve! Kenneth and I were watching videos of Jack tonight. I can't begin to describe how good it is to hear him and watch his little smile and sweet tongue! How could we feel anything but blessed!

Breakdown

This post seems really personal. You know how one of the things your told to do when making a speech is to imagine everyone in their undies? This feels like vice-versa! Recently I had a major breakdown. I guess I hit a breaking point. Things just seemed to be falling apart. My husband and I were grieving our separate ways. I know we should've been doing it together with Gods help, but somehow things got messed up, misunderstood, and totally wrong. When Jack first passed it seemed like we were going to be a stronger family for it. I know for a fact that's what was supposed to happen. I know God uses the bad to make something new. The enemy also knows when to creep in. Since my breakdown my husband and I went to counseling together. It was so precious, and everyday since then has been as well. God again used something bad for good. I love Him and just stay in awe of Him. The lesson is to stay vigilant! This is such a vulnerable time for my family. If we don't keep our eyes on God we will fall apart. The day of the funeral I just knew we were going to come through the fire just as God had planned. Blinded by grief we all lost sight of this. I'm not saying I'm not sad. I'm not saying that we won't have anymore rough patches, we're all human. I am saying thank you to the mighty God I serve for my breakdown. I'm thanking Him for the wake up call to my family! Greater is He who is in me than he who is of this world!

Hope

" I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes." Job 42:5 This verse struck me profoundly. I'm in no way comparing myself to Job! I've been skimming through this book called, God in the tough stuff. I've been telling people about how blessed I was to see Gods hand just about everyday. It's so true! I know I'm grieving right now and forget so easily my experience with God when Jack was in the hospital. I felt so blessed, no matter the outcome, to be in the midst of His presence daily. I would thank Him for showing His self so clearly. I finally feel that the clouds are parting! My hope comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth! I praise Him in this storm and thank Him for being my rock and my fortress!