The Day God Took You Home

Jack had a really wonderful program for his funeral. It had so many wonderful poems. I'd like to post this one tonight because its really fitting for the way I'm feeling. "In tears we saw you sinking, and watched you pass away. Our hearts were almost broken, we wanted you to stay. But when we saw you sleeping, so peaceful, free from pain, how could we wish you back with us, to suffer that again. It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone, for part of us went with you, the day God took you home." There's a huge part of me missing. I'm just glad to know its with Jack. I'm so blessed to have had such a special little life entrusted to me. I'm so grateful God chose me and Kenneth to be his parents. Even if I knew the outcome beforehand, I still would've chosen him. I'm so grateful for my children that our still with us. God has blessed us beyond anything we could ever deserve! Kenneth and I were watching videos of Jack tonight. I can't begin to describe how good it is to hear him and watch his little smile and sweet tongue! How could we feel anything but blessed!

Breakdown

This post seems really personal. You know how one of the things your told to do when making a speech is to imagine everyone in their undies? This feels like vice-versa! Recently I had a major breakdown. I guess I hit a breaking point. Things just seemed to be falling apart. My husband and I were grieving our separate ways. I know we should've been doing it together with Gods help, but somehow things got messed up, misunderstood, and totally wrong. When Jack first passed it seemed like we were going to be a stronger family for it. I know for a fact that's what was supposed to happen. I know God uses the bad to make something new. The enemy also knows when to creep in. Since my breakdown my husband and I went to counseling together. It was so precious, and everyday since then has been as well. God again used something bad for good. I love Him and just stay in awe of Him. The lesson is to stay vigilant! This is such a vulnerable time for my family. If we don't keep our eyes on God we will fall apart. The day of the funeral I just knew we were going to come through the fire just as God had planned. Blinded by grief we all lost sight of this. I'm not saying I'm not sad. I'm not saying that we won't have anymore rough patches, we're all human. I am saying thank you to the mighty God I serve for my breakdown. I'm thanking Him for the wake up call to my family! Greater is He who is in me than he who is of this world!

Hope

" I had heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes." Job 42:5 This verse struck me profoundly. I'm in no way comparing myself to Job! I've been skimming through this book called, God in the tough stuff. I've been telling people about how blessed I was to see Gods hand just about everyday. It's so true! I know I'm grieving right now and forget so easily my experience with God when Jack was in the hospital. I felt so blessed, no matter the outcome, to be in the midst of His presence daily. I would thank Him for showing His self so clearly. I finally feel that the clouds are parting! My hope comes from the Lord, maker of heaven and earth! I praise Him in this storm and thank Him for being my rock and my fortress!

I Know

I know its been a while since I posted anything. I really don't know what to write. I feel like people have got to be tired of hearing about how sad I am. I'm really tired of myself being sad! I'm tired of waking from dreams of babies and Jack and death. I'm tired of going about my day and all of a sudden bursting into tears. I'm tired of crazy thoughts and pretty words. I know my son didn't die for things to start falling apart. I'm ready to fast forward to the day when everythings ok. When the sadness has passed and we're all celebrating instead of mourning. I know all the good things. I know he's in a better place. I know God has a huge plan for our family. I just wish my heart would catch up with my mind.

Avoidance

Avoiding grief doesn't work. The last couple of days I've been trying to avoid the grieving process all together. I usually have at least an hour out of the day set aside to look at pictures, write to God or Jack, or all of the above. I haven't had the energy for it over the last couple of days. I learned quickly that this is a bad idea, and just flat out doesn't work. The fact is its going to happen whether you want it to or not. The controlled time period set aside is necessary. Last night I decided since I was in town I might as well stop and thank a couple of the night nurses who took such good care of Jack. He worked those poor ladies ragged! This turned out not to be a good idea. I thought since I'd avoided crying for the last two nights it would be ok to face my demons, so to speak. It was completely surreal. I really can't even remember leaving the hospital. I remember trying to avoid looking at his room or breaking down in front of them. Needless to say I cried the whole way home. I stopped a couple of times to try to get myself together. It was like a flood gate had been opened. Not only did I cry over the visit but whatever I'd been holding in over the last couple of days came pouring out. Obviously I wasn't ready for the hospital visit, even though I truly loved seeing those familiar faces. Those faces that shared such a hard part of my life with me. They helped me more than I can put into words. They not only took excellent care of my precious man, but befriended me in my hour of need. Ready or not seeing them was in a way comforting. I did learn that avoidance is not the answer. Dealing with grief is so painful, but avoiding it is detrimental. Lesson learned and I will be doing my hour of sad time whether I feel like it or not!

Missing my lil man

Wow,when I look at him it's hard to imagine waking up to another day without him. I think of that song, "Hug him once for me." I hope Jesus and my Pop are squeezing him as tight as they can, and kissing those puffy cheeks! I would do anything to have one more day with him. One more day to squeeze and kiss and smell. I also know that one more day would never be enough. I'd want more and more!I guess for now I'm just going to have to be content knowing how happy and whole he is, and knowing I'll get to see him again one day! I love you lil man and momma misses you!