Avoidance

Avoiding grief doesn't work. The last couple of days I've been trying to avoid the grieving process all together. I usually have at least an hour out of the day set aside to look at pictures, write to God or Jack, or all of the above. I haven't had the energy for it over the last couple of days. I learned quickly that this is a bad idea, and just flat out doesn't work. The fact is its going to happen whether you want it to or not. The controlled time period set aside is necessary. Last night I decided since I was in town I might as well stop and thank a couple of the night nurses who took such good care of Jack. He worked those poor ladies ragged! This turned out not to be a good idea. I thought since I'd avoided crying for the last two nights it would be ok to face my demons, so to speak. It was completely surreal. I really can't even remember leaving the hospital. I remember trying to avoid looking at his room or breaking down in front of them. Needless to say I cried the whole way home. I stopped a couple of times to try to get myself together. It was like a flood gate had been opened. Not only did I cry over the visit but whatever I'd been holding in over the last couple of days came pouring out. Obviously I wasn't ready for the hospital visit, even though I truly loved seeing those familiar faces. Those faces that shared such a hard part of my life with me. They helped me more than I can put into words. They not only took excellent care of my precious man, but befriended me in my hour of need. Ready or not seeing them was in a way comforting. I did learn that avoidance is not the answer. Dealing with grief is so painful, but avoiding it is detrimental. Lesson learned and I will be doing my hour of sad time whether I feel like it or not!